When I think about fulfilment, unconditional happiness, and a sense of belonging, I think about my children. If I would have to choose one role to play in my life, it would definitely be the role of mother. My childhood imagination about the world of adults was based on that very role. While my peers were dreaming big dreams, I was thinking how to name my imaginary children. As big wishes often bring about huge hesitations, this is exactly what happened during my first year of trying to make my biggest wish come true. And then, on an Indian summer day, following an unsuccessful medical visit with a doctor and family friend from Narodni Front hospital, I saw and elderly neighbour from the first floor. Walking slowly, as steps tend to be when leaving signs of sorrow, a well-preserved Mrs. Olga, whom all liked and addressed in a friendly and simple manner, Babče, (little granny) appeared.
Babče was sitting with her ancient (before the war) hat on her head, in a garden of a local restaurant with bags full of greenery from the nearby green market. When she saw me, she was aware immediately of my emotional state and made me sit next to her and share with her the cause of my deep sadness. Whether this ‘gift’ she was capable of was due to her prophetic skills and possibility to predict events of the future or because my suffering was my faithful and easily spotted companion, I do not know. Nonetheless, Babce felt it, and when I told her, to my surprise, she jumped out of her chair cheerfully and enthusiastically, as if she were not almost 80. Forgetting all about her fatigue that made her stop in that very place where she took a rest, she says, “Let’s go in front of my Trojerucica icon…every sterile woman I prayed for in front of my icon had a baby afterwards!” She went on telling me about her cousin who she went to Jerusalem for, who, of course, had a healthy baby boy after seven years of trying.
There was something divine in our silence in front of that magnificent icon a moment later. Something that, for the first time, showed me we are co-creators of our own universe.
An act of the human heart and mind, SEEKING with EXPECTATIONS, is an act of creation itself.
As the Bible says: He who knocks, the door will be opened, the one who seeks will find!
I wonder even nowadays whether the two of us and Trojeručica icon were co-creators of my tears of joy when I was told I was six weeks pregnant, or Mihael, my Siberian alternative medicine doctor played an important part in it. I learned about the preciousness and meaning of the Siberian cedar resin he gave to me several years later. I recognise and feel the love of that dear elderly lady through tears running down my cheeks whenever I remember her and in the light of the candle I lit for those that travel with angels in vast fields of eternity.
Parenthood changed me, formed me and defined me. Parenthood is healing. It inspired me and keeps me stimulated for self-examination, and the continuous restructuring of my value system and priorities.
I am immensely grateful to my boys Luka, Matija, and Simon who remind me every day that love is the only uniting force for everything in the world. They taught me so much. And I want to learn so much more from them. Many people go the other way round. They are trying to ‘raise’ children, by putting them in shapes and patterns and impose their own models of behaviour, their own perceptions of what is right. Children are closer to the Source and memory of all previous experiences from other dimensions. We can learn much more from then than we may assume. Their language is simple, nonverbal and consists of one essential feeling that connects all worlds and is an integral part of every existence. That feeling is love!
I am also thankful to my son Andreica, who chose out of reasons only known to him, came and left so early from this tangible dimension of reality. I am thankful to him for choosing me to be his parent, companion in this world’s segment of his journey. He helped me grow up through initial lack of readiness, terrible pain and feeling of bad consciousness. I, at first, fell apart in thousand pieces, but while trying to collect myself I was reassembled into a different being…Puzzles of my soul formed a completely different picture offering a different perception of reality. Now I know there are different levels of reality in our Universe, different dimensions that are all part of the Creator’s construction. And there are limitless possibilities within all those dimensions.
I am often surprised that even though many people believe in the existence of a supreme being, creator of all things, God…they often times fail to acknowledge and understand that we are all a key part of that invisible dimension, he is in.
Looking for ways to soften my sorrow, for answers to the question about why injustice (as I used to call it) exists in the first place, I came across a healing balm of acceptance. That roads of experiences, no matter how thorny they may be, have their purpose if we take them as teachers, not torturers…if they take us to an understanding that there are much bigger realities outside of the perceptions most people have, outside of spectrum of what we can see, feel, hear, smell, touch or assume. I am quite sure my little boy Andrea is a part of an alternative dimension. I can feel his presence in every trail I leave in this world. Bright and clear as it is only when angels light our path.